It is with a humble heart I sit down to compose a few words. It was good to be with family this Christmas weekend. We began with Christmas eve at Mike and Shana's. Christmas Day at our home and then a dinner at my parents with all my brothers and sisters and family. Prime rib at Chuck and Judy's on Saturday an then Quinn's blessing on Sunday. I felt at ease for the first time in many years. It was fun, the kids had fun.
So I'm a little late and I wanted to post Rollercoster of love by Red hot Chilli peppers..but I would get hurt.. so Happy anniversary.
This week began the usually busy month of December. So in Random thought order..
Harmonia and Eno
List: Bad Leutenant
Faster thumping in my ears my heart rate increases, believe, believe believe, you just got to believe. click click click, clack, clack, clack. The sounds reverberates from one-side of my skull to the other resonating in the core of my mind.
Every once in a while life will give you one of those you gotta be kidding me moments. This entire last week was much like that. Sunday church was as usual with Nixon not wanting to sit 5 minutes in a pew. So I'm in the foyer wrestling him and soon to be joined by Nate. One of our visitors who didn't seem to really want to be there came out of the Chapel holding a child and a Monster. Now I'm not going to lie and say I've never tried one, but next time I want a pick me up I'm going to hide a NOS in the diaper bag. I'll never fall asleep again in church. I 'll start breaking out in a sweat just sitting there. Rock on Monster dude. I have also been fantasizing about singing in a metal band.
I could turn this mood around.. but what good would that do. Callous, blistered and bruised. My heart cracking like the ice on a glacier of fear. The tears were there I could feel them but they refused to run. I don't want to touch the pain, afraid it will infect me. Fermented mind drunk on Absinthe. Fractal vision blasted with darkness.
As I drove the 30 mile stretch to SLC today I was apprehensive and a littler torn. I haven't been to a political rally since 92? I think. Reagan was there among others. I found parking quickly in my favorite place and as I made my way to the front of the Capitol building I could hear the crowd and the adrenaline began to pump. I caught the tail end of the Chafetz's speech. I was impressed with Mr. Wimmer of the Patrick Henry Caucus. The crowd's enthusiasm began to wane a little and after talking to a neighbor that I ran into. I left around noon. Overall I was glad I went. The crowd was a little more laid back tan I expected.
Rutted and forgotten, beaten down by years of travel. The constant squeaking of the wheels. The depth of pain I feel bubbling free from the recesses of years of burial. The clarity of thought. Broken in to shattered pieces of fears and corroded will. Trying to grasp that last strand of hope before falling off the precipice. Falling....Falling ...Falling
Weekend In Review:
Interesting Weekend. Camp out in the equivalent of a cow pasture. Novice off road skills. Court of honor with a surprise Wood badge ceremony and a skit pulled off by the scouts that was good. I really enjoyed the Temple Dedication and the time with my parents however brief. I was buoyed up by my sister in Minn. I have a challenge for this week I'm looking forward too.
I've been to the edge of the deep green sea. I 've seen the color of my mortality, I read the writing on the wall. I 've discounted the coldness inside looked for the light that's outside. I tried to warm my bones beside the fire. What's the color of incessant beating through narrow veins? Blue or black like tar. My fingers let the wind wrap it's soft willowy strokes in between. Where 's the dream in the seam of my mind. What's the voice of my understanding..yet I can't talk I can't speak the fear wells up and strangles my reason. " A flower fading too soon..."
My legs burn like mad and my foot feels broken, all from running 11 miles. Lori drove me up to almost the dirt road in Middle canyon. When the Odometer said ll miles she dropped me of and left me alone. So I just started running. My legs went numb because it was cold but by mile 10 I was plenty warm and eager to get home. I muscled out the last mile feeling pretty good and turned into our entrance. A few seconds later I have a pit bull chasing me on my heels for 20 yds or so. It's dragging a large chain supposedly meant to keep it tied up. My mind is running through multiple scenarios just waiting to be attacked. I stay calm and pretend it doesn't exist it goes away.
Intersting weekend started by getting bad news followed by good news. We had some friends over for games (Nice surprise I hope for one). It was fun and a g0od way to end the week. We stayed up too late and didn't make it to the open house the next morning. The pig picken for Bonnie and Bryan was awesome. Great food and some of he best hush puppies I have ever had. A couple of highlights happened on the Facebook. I know sounds weird. I had a conversation with my little sister that was awesome and much needed. I also had a former Bishop from Phoenix add me.
So I spent a week in the high Uinta's at Camp Tomahawk. I loved the night skies clear and moon free revealing the stars in all their glory. It was so peaceful a times it was a spiritual experience. No phone, no TV , no distractions (other than the boys singing Disney tunes). It's not hard to see how one can get into camping and back country adventure and into scouting at such a cool place. I did miss my family and I wished they were with me.
It's 1:26 am and my wife is not home yet. I have inherited the worry trait from my mother. I'm sure I'll be the one waiting up fo my daughter to get home from her dates. I also have a pretty vivid and warped imagination. Oh and I just watched Mad Max. Great movie. Boy does Gibson look young.
I had a transitory thought...it's gone now. I found my center over the weekend. It's nice to regain focus on what's important. Sometimes the hectic nonstop of this life wears me down until I am running on fumes always in react mode. I am learning the importance of making quick decisions and moving forward not dwelling on the details for an eternity. Mistakes will happen, learn and move on. Too bad some mistakes last 4 years.
Some days the cold shale facade is broken down and I feel real emotion. I know shocking. A small window of mortality breaks free in my mind and I see things as they really are. Typically I want to hide under a rock but I've learned to quickly build back the wall. Tonight I remain lucid enough to write. My dreams over the weekend were insane causing me to reflect on why they would be that way. I see dreams as extensions of my innermost desires, needs and sometimes lessons or answers to questions. When something that would never happen in reality happens in a dream all the same "real feelings and emotions" are present for me. I wake with the raw feelings and sometimes spend the day trying to shake the feelings of the dreams. Sometimes people I would never expect infect my dreams. "Stay in your own dreams dang it. " I wonder whose dreams I cross over into. Maybe that is the problem I wander into someone else's subconscious. Crazy..maybe not.
I am in a cloud of confusion, disillusion and wonder why people die. The innocents being snuffed out for wanting freedom in Iran, for wanting a change. Obama! Do you care? It doesn't fit your master plan. Better hurry and send Hillary maybe she can talk or sanction them into submission. Pffft! What a bunch of hollow shelled, commutard, fascist liberal elitists.
Excited by the thought of getting in the mountains even for a few hours. Thoughts of peace in my head free of noise and distraction. I need the sweet cool air and the trees folding in on me. I need the release from the work week. I can only keep up the pseudo-positive attitude for so long before I get recalcitrant..."Always should be someone you really love.."
Darkness like a comforting blanket wrapping its arms snugly around me, a cool breeze wisping, willowing between my fingers. The night has its flows in a rhythm pulsating along a trail ministering sweet sounds of healing. It's own music it's own voice loud enough to not understand quiet enough to be deafening. Fleeting...the Sun washes it away.
Respect the way to go to respect the way to go, what's in the flow for my life. Scribbling notes in disorder fit into the borders outside the lines of providing truth.
It's an order. Sleep to few to survive.
My eardrums pulsated to the beats as they shook my mind bouncing off the inside of my skull. Tortured inside my own head but numbed by the beats by the melodies by the lyrics at times. What skin do I inhabit twisted from the inside out writhing in a uncomfortable dance flowing with the music. My own heartbeat replaced by trance-endental dub house creations made for high volume and tuning out. My synapses cracking in time to the liquid fresh flow of snatchy scratchy beat tonics. "I just got to find peace and unity" ...maybe I'm bass ed in Euro converted to the creativity of my ancentral lands. The US a can't touch these funky beAts.
I have been pondering the dichotomy of my existence lately. On one hand I want to retain the youthful enjoyments of music and concerts on the other I want to be an up standing father and husband. I want to ride the hills and run the streets pushing my body to the extreme. I want to play with my kids make them laugh and have fun. I guess this last concert caught up with me. I think I will be a little more careful next time. I can't handle the hard harsh screamy crap anymore. (But you went to NIN? I did and loved every minute, maybe because it's not screamy screamo, but from an actual musician.) I digress, Basically my wants are are just that, wants. Needs, ..asceticism. Who cares!
Street Dogs----A---Boston punk rock loved them
I can't concentrate...oh Yeah freakin Vidalia onions rock. I sautee'd them with some mushrooms. I really couldn't get enough. They aren't bad raw either. Sweet!!Literally.
First of all I have to say I am extremely proud of my brother -in-law Tyler. He graduated this week and also won a Student of the Year award. He was also accepted in one of the best schools in his field for a Masters program. Their son was born a few weeks ago, I held him for the second time today, I admit the first time I got a little emotional. Great job Tyler and Linny!!! We will miss you guys.
So the weekend is over and a decent one it was. Camp out to Rush Valley with the Scouts was fun and definitely the best yet. The girls had a sleepover at Grandma's so I got to spend some quality time with Nate and Nixon. Nate's a funny boy and today I tossed him the football and he instinctively caught it and threw it back in a perfect spiral, of course the ball is a Nerf and he had to use two hands to throw it. I was stoked, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke I threw it a few more times and he caught the ball. He's growing up and it's fun to watch and be apart of.
I took a couple days off this week to try and regain some sanity after a pretty tough month. I wasn't in the mood for Conference, feeling pretty cold and hardened to the spiritual lately. It took until the talk by Elder Holland on Sunday to break through my hard heart. Clearly the purpose of it all was concisely illustrated by Elder Holland. I recommend listening to it if you haven't heard it yet. In a related matter I received an answer to a question two years in the works. The simplicity of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is breathtaking in its ability to solve even the most complex issues.
SO I went to Kohl's tonight to pick up a gift certificate. They had one register manned and a line up. "Help on registers at Teens" blares the overhead page. An older woman walks up behind me with her son or grandson.
Apparently cholesterol deposits can be seen in eyes and my eye doctor (Mike) has to tell me to go get my cholesterol levels checked. I'm thinking I'm not so young but I feel young. My diet has really been bad the last couple of years due to my inability to care what I eat and lack of exercise. This has generally has left me feeling rather like a waste. I started eating McDeath's again I even had a Whopper the other day and then a killer burger from 5Guys..on Friday. I want to bike this year but circumstances as they are this may be a bust again and I will be left angry and unhappy with my laziness and state of sub prime performance.
I am finding there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. My fuse is so short right now that the nice filter that I keep up most of the day is disintegrating like the ozone layer. I really have no patience any more. I feel more and more like I could easily become my Grandpa in 10 or 20 years. A few things that keep me from going ape@#$@. Not in any order: Nixon my little 1 year old tends to calm me down. Tellin' stories to Natalie. Nightly scriptures.
Normally I don't care about sports that much, I do like college basketball. I however am blown away by the fanatic. Let's use BYU fanatic as an example and compare them to another fanatic ummmm who should I choose....Hitler. Ok Hitler it is. The fanatic is so completely entrenched in there fandom that they view everything from the eyes of a fanatic.. it is in a sense a religion. If one is brash enough to question there fandom IE religion you are promptly put in your place with the clear understanding that if you cross the line again there will be consequences. This could be a diatribe filibuster on why their team..er deity is the all powerful force in the particular sport and how dare you question their authority. Gone is logic, for example if you did not go to that school then you are pathetic for being a fan of that school. This clearly smacks of fascism. If you are not blond, blue eyed and straight (this my not apply as we have learned of the perversion of fascists) then you are subhuman not worthy to talk to the more elite fanatic. If you did not go to that school and you are a fan then somehow you are not able to comment, cheer for or do what ordinary fans do. This philosophy clearly alienates those people that love their teams, buy the merchandise, go to the games, but heaven forbid did not attend college, or went to that school.
North by Northwest..
Could be Obama is really a ring wraith in disguise. He sucks the life out of everything good. Rham kind looks like he's dead. People do his bidding. Watch out Frodo..er Rush.
The birthday was sobering and surprisingly chill. It was great! Thanks to Lori and the kids, Thor, Jen, all the well wishers. It was groovy to go eat lunch with my Dad and two brothers at Jason's Deli.
So I as a citizen in the good ole USA do I get a say where the money goes? Oh... I'm not smart enough, you'll take care of everything. Let me just write my check on over one second. Oh you want my guns too. Why the heck not. Oh Hey I'm a Mormon, I don't fit the standard definition of pseudo Christianity passed off as religion. Oh sorry separation of church and state, what was I thinking lets all embrace the religion of peace...yeah you know Islam. Where if you leave the religion you gotta die. Sweet. Oh your gonna "protect " some more land because whacked out environmentalist deodorant free hippy elitist doesn't want some dung beetle to get his panties in a twist. Thanks I sure appreciate the telling me what's best because heaven forbid I have a coherent thought. While your at it take away my conservative talk shows and any literature you may disagree with. I know , I know I learned to read in spite of your dumbing down education dang brain of mine couldn't help it. Bytheway I always wanted to try heroin, mind hooking me up ...
As we skate on the thin ice tonight lets stop to enjoy the show. Let us enjoy the debacle of a million years of war and hate. Let's fail to see the common sense answer and choose the biggest lie of all. Let 's find the door that leads down the blackest hall.
Bitterness falling on the ground of my soul like the ash of millions of burning dreams. Sometimes I reach out to touch them and grasp the nothingness, holding tightly, hoping with my eyes shut. Hoping with my mind closed that I will hear nothing and feel nothing and see only blackness.
(Infected mushroom in my ears), when I was young I would wait to the last minute to finish my reports, my daughter left her report at school all break, so tonight guess what I get to do. Type tipe, thype, the report. My patience runs very thin after 8:30 pm. I want all the kids in bed but that never happens, there is usually one remaining.
The day of puke is winding to an end, so lets celebrate with a large hearty meal and really test our stomach's. I rarely watch football and being in my sickened state I watched the Chargers colts game but I ended up missing the OT due to puke by children. I was happy to see SD won. I was listening to Enid Green on her Saturday talk show. She compared the Palestine Israel war to "What if Tooele was firing rockets into Salt lake ". Nice! Enid the one time I listen to you, my town gets compared to a community housing terrorists.
Day 1 of 2009...Hmmm didn't feel much different from yesterday. It was rather warm tonight like the the calm before the storm. The prime rib was good a little pink, but excellent flavor. Wade set off some fire works for the kids, that was a first for me, fireworks ...oh wait I think I went downtown Phx one year. 1984.... I'm sitting on the bus trying to not panic as usual Robert Palmer's "I didn't mean to turn you on" is playing. Being the kid that analyzed all lyrics, I never bought into the whole I listen because of the beat B.S. I'm 9 or 10 wondering what is he talking about does she have a switch and she doesn't sound too happy now Robert. The next song in my flash back would be Mony Mony ride a freakin pony Billy Idol or was the Cougar Mellancamp, can someone set me straight.. that song messed with my head as well. 2009 "What Difference does it make" by the Smiths is in one ear and Big Bang Theory in the other and the irony is killing me.